"the worst part is there's no-one else to blame"

Sia's "Breathe Me" is one of those songs I replay on my iPod from time to time. There is something poignantly true in the lyrics. As much as we would like to believe people learn from their mistakes -- we don't always do. All of us are 'hooked' in our own ways, all of us have our neuroses, our insecurities and vulnerabilities. When it hurts, we react defensively -- some of us lash out in anger, we blame, we turn cold and cutting with our words, while some of use just retreat into ourselves, we become silent and distant.

We are conditioned to deal with pain from an early age, and they are familiar recurring habits throughout our lives. That is one of the conditions of being human.

Recently I found myself playing out my habitual defensive drama. It has been a difficult few months, culminating in a birthday month where I was overwhelmed by a sense of loss, grief and groundlessness. I ended up behaving in a self-destructive manner that alienated a few friends.

Sia's song could be the theme song to everything that happened:

"Help, I have done it again/I have been here many times before/Hurt myself again today/And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame"

I keep a wall between myself and the world on most days. But occasionally I slip and allow people to get close. When the inevitable conflict and difficulties arises, I get confused, stressed out. , When relationships start to slip away, I react. I wanted to kill my heart a little so that it would stop hurting. I did what I felt I had to do then, because the pain was just too much to bear.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

It came to a point when I just felt numb. Sort of like a disorientation after a car-crash. People that cared about me wrote to tell me how my actions have hurt them. While a part of me is numb, there is still a small part that can still feel. I know what I did. It was self-centred of me to punish others for my own pain.

Now the dust has settled, I am looking back and I see actions have consequences. Now that I can see where I am headed, it is time to back-track and move on in the right direction.

In life, we are always going to slip a little from sanity occasionally.It is not excusable, or right or wrong. It is the way things are. Just get up and move on in the right direction. You are human. You are vulnerable. Don't let your mistakes define you. Take responsibility for your mistakes.

For friends that are gone, if they are meant to be, they may return. Otherwise, goodbye.